Thursday, May 02, 2002

something must break now.

i am a dangerous person to society. i don't understand why anyone would ever trust their children with me. well... i guess people used to do that because they didn't know who i really was. i played a good role and they all thought i was safe.

not anymore.

but you know what's really sad? i probably do awful things to other people as a backlash against the "good" image that i and others have constructed for myself. the image of me as a good, pious student is just a fantasy screen that covers up the brutal reality of what i am. i haven't been stable or socially agreeable for years. but i keep smiling and telling everyone that i'm an upstanding citizen. every once in a while it surfaces and transgresses the phantasmatic frame and people get hurt real bad. sure, i got 5s on a bunch of AP tests. i somehow got onto the B team of a competitive debate team at a big university far away.

and then i turned around and shocked everyone by commiting a felony. great.

and now they want to force me back to the way i used to be. they want me to be docile. 8 PM curfew. can't see friends. have to pay ludicrous amounts of money to the state (amounts that i never even approached damage-wise). have to put on a mask again and pretend i'm a good kid. whenever anyone asks about political opinions, i have to lay low. no more outspoken radical opinions. i have to be obedient again.

think it'll work this time? sure as hell didn't work last time.

i tell you... the social network i'm in is probably playing with matches. i don't intend to do anything illegal ever again... it'll be more subtle next time. but it'll probably be ten times as destructive to me and the people around me.

ever light up a molotov cocktail, but instead of throwing it against the ground, just let it sit? the pressure builds and builds until eventually it can't be kept in anymore. it just explodes where it's sitting. anyone who's nearbye gets hurt really really bad.

keep hammering me in. we'll see who gets jacked up in the end. not even nuclear bombs can stop the five knuckle shuffle.

No comments: