Tuesday, July 30, 2002

lonely.

there's something, no, things, floating around in the air between noses. it's a jolt. a pop. joints firing up. it's when my stomach turns as i eat my favorite food and remember someone i miss...

thinking about you even though you're in a different town and can't read this. i left a message on a machine listened to only by an empty house at two o'clock this morning.

"i don't know why i'm leaving a message when you're not their to hear it, but..."

i can't remember how i made it through months in a row. maybe i didn't know you the same way back then. it fucking hurts now.

Monday, July 08, 2002

acid.

i just vomited.

it wasn't food though. it was just hyrochloric acid.

"i want you home now." those were the last words he said before i said the millionth "okay" and hung up the phone. then my throat squeezed up bile. it boiled at the top layer of my upper throat before i choked it back down.

i walked back into her bedroom. "fuck. i just coughed up stomach acid."

"i'm sorry." i put on my shoes and didn't say anything. we both knew what was happening.

i reached over and put my arms around her. we lay for a few seconds, but then she took my arms off and said, "bye."

i kind of crouched there for a few minutes. didn't say anything.

she said something.

"what did you say?"

right after i asked that question, and right as she repeated it, i realized what she said: "i miss you."

"i'm sorry i'm such a coward." i walked towards the door, said goodnight, and left.

last week i told my mom that she terrified me. it shocked her.

"we never hurt you."

"i know... it's not physical. i'm just... scared that you won't love who i really am."

i'm tired of being scared. these obligations waste life. tomorrow is just an excuse. i have to change, and i know i'm not ready, but i have to. that means i need to act now, as i'm thinking about it. i don't have the time to do otherwise.

if they can't let me go, if they can't let me love, then i'm leaving them.

Monday, July 01, 2002

last november.

feels like last november.

when i waited up every night.

every single night

for her to come online.

she never did.