Monday, July 08, 2002

acid.

i just vomited.

it wasn't food though. it was just hyrochloric acid.

"i want you home now." those were the last words he said before i said the millionth "okay" and hung up the phone. then my throat squeezed up bile. it boiled at the top layer of my upper throat before i choked it back down.

i walked back into her bedroom. "fuck. i just coughed up stomach acid."

"i'm sorry." i put on my shoes and didn't say anything. we both knew what was happening.

i reached over and put my arms around her. we lay for a few seconds, but then she took my arms off and said, "bye."

i kind of crouched there for a few minutes. didn't say anything.

she said something.

"what did you say?"

right after i asked that question, and right as she repeated it, i realized what she said: "i miss you."

"i'm sorry i'm such a coward." i walked towards the door, said goodnight, and left.

last week i told my mom that she terrified me. it shocked her.

"we never hurt you."

"i know... it's not physical. i'm just... scared that you won't love who i really am."

i'm tired of being scared. these obligations waste life. tomorrow is just an excuse. i have to change, and i know i'm not ready, but i have to. that means i need to act now, as i'm thinking about it. i don't have the time to do otherwise.

if they can't let me go, if they can't let me love, then i'm leaving them.

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