Wednesday, August 07, 2002

want.

i'm trying,
i'm trying,
i'm trying,
i'm trying...


i was supposed to go do some work at the salvation army today.

i didn't though. i just drove around town and listened to pavement for most of the day.

i'm not sure what i want. today stuff's going on in a closed hearing that could change the rest of my life... or it could do absolutely nothing, i'm not sure. a judge, a prosecutor, an attorney, and a PO are all discussing whether to send me out of the state or not. for months i've been told by everyone that mattered that i could never go back to pennsylvania. i got used to that, but yesterday a new possibility opened up... something i would have loved a while back.

the new idea: let's put aaron on unsupervised probation. that means he wouldn't have a probation officer and wouldn't have to check in with anyone. he wouldn't have to do UAs and wouldn't be subject to random breathalizers and searches of his home. he could go back to pennsylvania, debate, and attend school.

sounds good, right? everything i've been dreaming of?

fuck no. that freedom has a pricetag on it: almost everything i've grown to love this summer: not debating, reading whatever i want, the first time in my life in which i could do almost *anything*, friends, and the prospect of going to school anywhere.

i would also have to move half a continent away from abby, someone i have feelings for that i've never had before. she said she wanted to fit a whole lifetime into one summer. i kept denying that i'd ever leave. yesterday, for the first time, it hit me that i might and i can't symbolize that. it's just too scary.

i don't have anything in pittsburgh. there's no one i regularly hang out with. no musical scene that i really identify with. no debate scholarship. no class that i like. i already spent a year there. most of it was either bored or really unhappy. i spent the entire first semester sitting in front of a computer waiting for someone to come online. i spent the second semester wishing i could be in wyoming with someone. it's a waste of my short youth.

everyone tells me to goto pittsburgh. they all think they know what i really want. mom: "it's just another two semesters." dad: "we put too much effort into this." PO: "i'm not doing all this work for nothing." wpdu: "it would be really good for the debate team." abby: "you shouldn't give up that oppurtunity."

and now it looks like i might not have a choice. they can probably force me to live anywhere they want. i don't even know what i want for sure. but i'm pretty certain lots of people don't respect what i think i want. i'm going to fight though. it's my life. i hope at least some of the people can see that.

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