Thursday, December 05, 2002

Liar

You’ve been mad at me before, but it rarely hurts this much. Well, i’m not fooling anyone. It always hurts.

Tonight hurts a lot though. It’s a mixture of my recognition of how stupid I was (or lazy, most files on my computer never get renamed and I don’t stop to think about what they mean) and that i was called a liar.

You don’t want to talk now. That’s alright. You don’t have to.

But I have say something somehow, even if I'm not sure if you read this site any more.

I don’t intentionally deceive you. I made the decision a long time ago to be as straightforward as possible and to tell you what I’m doing and thinking as much as possible. Of course, I’m not the most rhetorically capable person on the planet and lots of things come out in the wrong way and convey bad connotations.

But I don’t try to misrepresent things. I would never tell you I hadn’t talked to someone if I had. If i had to lie about something, I should either have been straightforward about it or not done it.

I guess I just don’t understand why you think I deceived you.

I don’t have or even want my past. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to remember it, though. Everyone thinks about earlier parts of their lives. I know you do. Sometimes you have to remember the good things and the horrible things you went through in order to appreciate or understand where you are right now.

you’re the one I care about. i think about your lips, your smile when you’re excited, the nights when you tell me about what high school was like or things you used to do, the mornings drinking tea and eating hash browns, the way you hug me when I feel like the ground is crumbling and I’m starting to cry. Why would I trade that for something from a long time ago?

I need you right now. Old stuff is gone. I'm over pain i used to feel and I'm happy about that

I just wish I was believeable

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