Saturday, March 01, 2003


someone asked my what i do staying up so late at night (it's 4:22 AM now). i told them that i do schoolwork and write, but you know what the dark secret is lately? i play cards.

sometimes it feels like i'm in a tunnel. at first, i was going to say that the tunnel's dark, but it really isn't. it's more dim. like a really really dark orange. it curves all around me and it's like there's a cloud in my eyes. all i can see is the slope of the tunnel. it loops over my head and under my feet and extends in both directions as far as i can see.

and i have this feeling in my gut that i can't get out either way. it probably just loops around on itself and there's no way out.

i usually find myself there on the occasional night. when it feels like the people i want are miles away and they don't know and/or care about how much i want them. i reach out but they're not there. i drive as fast as i can down the highway and i'm still there.

so i play solitaire. for hours and hours through the night. it's the only thing there is to do and sometimes it helps to kill the feeling of being trapped. but i keep playing game after game after game and my bones get stiff and my muscles get numb. then everything i see makes me think of cards. i see someone on TV and wonder if i can put a black ten on him. seriously. that's not a metaphor. it's what i think. i almost never lose at free cell anymore. i'm not even convinced that difficult spider solitaire is possible to beat more than once in a week. i'm too good at something completely useless.

because i don't want to think about what else i would be doing without solitaire. i just don't want to think about it.

over a year ago when i felt really alone, i listened to this at the drive-in song over and over and over again. it's playing again now. They will eat their young.

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