Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Newsflash: Reagan Still Dead!

Hey guys, guess what.

Have I got the scoop for you.

You'll never believe it.

As of Tuesday morning, RONALD REAGAN IS STILL DEAD!!!

Yeah, you heard it here first. Don't count on the lieberal media to tell you this kind of stuff, but unlike his hero, J.H.C. (discovered at the exact moment he decided to become a politician), Ronnie has failed to rise from the dead.

As such, I think it's imperative that the TV news continue to focus on his not being alive for close to hour-to-hour coverage. You never know when something important could come of it.

So yesterday, some friend of mine made the laughable suggestion that this Reagan coverage was occurring in place of more important stories. I scoffed at his assertion that our media outlets are anything but prestigious networks of hard journalism.

To disprove his argument, I did a quick look through some news sites.

Apparently, last year, a group of administration lawyers made the argument that the president has the legal right to order interrogators to conduct torture or other criminal acts against terrorist suspects. Well that's clearly not a real news story. Who on earth would question the idea of giving the executive of the United States the authority to electrocute the genitals of people alleged to have committed terrorist acts? Innocent until proven guilty? Modern human rights norms? What a bunch of leftist myths.

I looked further and found this story, detailing a car bombing in northern Iraq that killed 12 or more people, including an American GI, and wounded 50 others. Now this clearly doesn't qualify as real news. Everyone knows that the violence in Iraq is overplayed and isn't anywhere close to being a real or reccurent problem. Such coverage would only further undermine the war effort and mislead us from the rosy reality that is life in modern Iraq post-US occupation.

It looks like Marc Anthony won't say one way or the other whether he's married J. Lopez or not. Okay, I'll admit that this is an important story.

There's a G8 summit going down that could implicate US relations with a variety of nations, economic growth, the world fight against HIV-AIDS, world hunger, peacekeeping, energy policy, and nuclear proliferation. But anyone who worries about this is probably paranoid. I'm sure we'll be well represented and that the president will report back to us any information that we really need to know.

There's a situation flaring up between Israel and Hizbollah again. But whatever. We should just nuke the whole middle east, rite?

Oh yeah, and there's also this tiny little Security Council draft resolution concerning the hand-over of sovereignty to an interim Iraqi governing council on... June 30. But that is a long time away and I'm sure that they all have a well-thought out plan for how that's all going to happen and realistic time tables for all of the stages of that process, much like they had those things for the process of the invasion and redevelopment that we've seen so much of over the past year and a half.

So I guess my friend was wrong. Nothing else of importance is happening in the world.

Reagan is still dead and that's the most important thing for the news networks to be talking about now.

He was our greatest president after all and if, for some reason, he came back to life, that'd be pretty important, now wouldn't it?

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