Monday, January 10, 2005

Back Again.

Wow. It's been a while since I've been here. I guess that's mostly because I've been up to my ears in school and debate work. It's hard to get away to complain about stuff when I have to research a strategy on why the DOE budget trades off with counter-prolif efforts in the FSU or why Zizek's arguments about desire preclude a focus on the materiality of class relations.

Every time it feels like I have a break, the stuff builds up and there's another tournament or assignment around the corner to which I have to dedicate my time. Wake Forest -> finals -> the California swing tournaments -> beginning of school -> Weber Round Robin. Didn't really get much of a Winter break because we were on the west coast for most of it and what time I was in Cheyenne was spent researching. At the very least, I don't have to actually debate at Weber this weekend (only help the teams that are), but it's still another commitment that delays the vacation that I keep expecting to be around the corner.

Everyone tells me that I need to do things to have fun, but that seems hard to justify when I already have more stuff to do than I can even get finished in the free time that I have. French, alone, is going to dominate a large fraction of my efforts this semester since I have such a damn hard time learning languages. In class today, I kept thinking of German words when I wanted them to be in French. Everyone probably thought I was speaking some moon person language when we were playing French taboo. ("Es ist nicht eine Feder" drew some blank stares). The problem is that, with debate, you're never done. There's always more to do and, with our awful record, it's hard to justify doing something else. If we have a losing record, there's obviously a lot more that I should be doing.

But I try to fit in a movie, a novel, or a book about general relativity or something, in on occasion. It's just hard to enjoy that and unwind when there are other things on the horizon that I have to deal with.

The Wrens' Hopeless just got done playing in Winamp and it reminded me of last summer. The lyrics sum up a lot of what I was feeling at the time... being outside of an emotionally difficult relationship for the first time and wanting to get away from it for a while. It's still a great song, but I think I've gained some distance from those feelings:

i feel i was the one who got used
and used to just about anything you would tell me
but those days are more than over now

dont you say you want me to stay
now you've got to get away,
you've got to get away,
go find someone who wants you
someone to pray to
get on your knees to
lay down and please you too
it just won't be me ever again

Those are probably a bit more bitter and angry than I felt, but the basic sentiment was there. I didn't understand it (heck, I still don't), but I really needed to get some space to clear out my head. There were definitely some times where I felt extremely unwanted, used, forgotten, or threatened. But time's gone by and I think everyone's grown up a bit

And, of course, my head's still not clear. But I think I've got a better perspective on everything. I don't think I was ready to be a good friend to a lot of people back then because I had so much stupid confidence shit to deal with before I could be more recipricol with others. Or something. Whatever. The important thing is that I'm a bit more sober in looking at that stuff now. No one in particular was to blame (in that everyone probably made some bad choices), but it's too late to change that shit. Might as well grow up, develop a spine, and be a better friend to others.

None of that probably makes sense, but it does what I want right now, so I'll go back to the umpteenth rehash of the philosophy of science that I have to read for class.

That's about it. Nothing of any importance. Just some things I wanted to type.

Oh yeah, and here's an awesome Smiths song that kind of illustrates a lot of the feelings I expereinced over the course of the past three years that vanished overnight into me sitting in a small room in Laramie, Wyoming, surrounded by pictures from Moscow art galleries and photos of Lou Reed, Burroughs, and Leonardo Dicaprio. I pulled out my old Smiths CDs last night and, even if Morrissey is a cheesy sap (who I love) those songs are still the catchiest things ever written. At least that'll always be the same.

It’s time the tale were told
of how you took a child
and you made him old

Reel around the fountain,
Slap me on the patio
I’ll take it now.

Fifteen minutes with you,
well, I wouldn’t say no.
People said that you were virtually dead
and they were so wrong.

Fifteen minutes with you,
oh, I wouldn’t say no.
People said that you were easily led
and they were half-right.

I dreamt about you last night
and I fell out of bed twice,
You can pin and mount me like a butterfly.
But take me to the haven of your bed
was something that you never said,
Two lumps, please,
You’re the bee’s knees,
But so am I.

Meet me at the fountain
Shove me on the patio
I’ll take it slowly.

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